Therapist Todd Baratz shares goals for couples to improve their sex life and combat intimacy issues
A relationship expert has revealed the sex goals all couples should have to improve their intimacy.
Todd Baratz, from the US, is a certified sex therapist and shared his tips couples should embrace to spice up their sex lives and get over issues in the bedroom.
The psychotherapist’s goals included having conversations about fantasies and kinks as well as scheduling sex, giving your partner sexy surprises and expressing desire for your spouse outside the bedroom.
He also recommended making noise and talking while doing the deed as well as learning how each other masturbates and to say no to sex ‘lovingly’.
Todd, who has been specialising in relationships and sex for 13 years, said while many couples experience sexual challenges, very few communicate about sex.
Todd Baratz (pictured) is a certified sex therapist and shared his tips couples should embrace to spice up their sex lives and get over issues in the bedroom
Eight sex goals every couple should have
- Have ongoing conversations about sex, eroticism, kink and fantasy
- Teach each other how you masturbate
- Express desire for your partner outside of sexual activity
- Schedule sex. The best sex is actually anticipated not spontaneous
- Create sexual surprises
- Learn how to decline sex lovingly
- Honour and negotiate differing levels of desire
- Make noise and talk during sex
‘These challenges may include a decrease in sexual drive, difficulties managing different levels of sexual desire, or timing issues,’ he wrote in an Instagram post.
‘Sex is a typical relational issue that couples should anticipate in any long-term relationship, similar to other challenges that may arise.’
To combat these issues. which Todd says are ‘typical relational issues that couples should anticipate in any long-term relationship’. he offered eight goals to aim towards.
His first tip is to have ongoing conversations about sex, eroticism, kink and fantasy.
‘Good sex requires good communication. Not some special technique, flavour or Olympic position,’ he explained.
‘Most people are uncomfortable with openly talking with openly talking about sex because they have simply never done it.’
Todd recommended couples ‘push through’ any discomfort and start talking as soon as possible and to remember, it’s not just one conversation, but multiple and ongoing chats that will break the barrier.
The sex therapist’s second goal to is teach other how you pleasure yourself calling masturbation the ‘GPS of pleasure, arousal, and orgasm’.
‘People don’t automatically know how your body works without being told and most genitals require their own unique types of stimulation in order to receive pleasure,’ Todd wrote.
He said not only to make an approving noise when something feels good but to ‘literally demonstrate’ what to do by guiding a partner’s hand and showing them where to go.
Thirdly, Todd said to couples should try to express desire for one another outside of sex by texting, writing notes, or whispering in each other’s ear when one thinks their partner is looking good.
Todd encourages people in intimate relationships to create sexual surprises for one another whether it be dressing in a certain outfit or whispering arousing words
‘Desire isn’t just something that happens during sex. It can happen all the time if you let it. Capitalise and make sure your partner knows regularly that you want them,’ he said.
According to Todd, the best sex is usually anticipated rather than spontaneous so it’s important to schedule it in regularly.
‘Decide upon a time, send dirty sexts leading up, plan exactly what you’re going to do, build that tension and excitement,’ he suggested.
‘Keep in mind scheduling sex doesn’t have to be a calendar invite, it can be a simple verbal agreement for some fun.’
Todd encourages people in intimate relationships to create sexual surprises for one another whether it be dressing in a certain outfit you know your partner likes or whispering arousing words.
‘Surprise them, get creative. Nothing is sexier than knowing your partner wants to please you and has done something specifically for your pleasure,’ he said.
Another goal Todd said is important to reach towards is learning how to say no to sex ‘lovingly’.
According to Todd, the best sex is usually anticipated rather than spontaneous so it’s important to schedule it in regularly
‘Don’t meanly say ‘NO!’, say ‘You’re hot, I love you, and love having sex with you but I am tired/bloated/not in the mood’. Be kind!’ he advised.
‘Remember that it can hurt when a bid for attention – sexual or otherwise – gets declined. So use some common sense and be nice.’
A normal part of any long term relationship, Todd says, is differing levels of desire between pairs and sex drives declining over time.
‘Develop strategies to cope with and manage the differences. This is crucial or else sex will become filled with resentment and anxiety. Not hot,’ he said.
Finally, the relationship expert said not to be quiet but make noise and talk to each other while in the act.
‘Make noises. Breathe, Talk dirty, Push limits. Also ask your partner what they like,’ he said.
‘Make sure you tell your partner the words that turn you on/off, especially when referring to your body and genitals.’
Relationship expert: Seven reasons couple don’t have sex
1. Unsatisfying relational dynamics Conflict, contempt, passive aggressive, unacknowledged imbalances, and disappointment are a recipe for sexual disaster.
This is when sexual withholding and avoidance is an unconscious relational expression of ‘I’m mad at you’. These are dynamics to approach ASAP.
2. No effort If neither partner puts in effort to surprise, seduce, or please the other, it’s likely that sex isn’t going to happen. Put in effort!
Send sexts, get outfits, set up a romantic dinner, go on a surprise date. Try something! Literally anything will do.
3. Mental health challenges Stress, anxiety, depression and other emotions will short circuit desire and arousal. Taking care of your mental health is in service of your sexual health.
4. Sexual differences Most couples have a variety of differing sexual preferences; from kink and fetish to time of day and frequency difference is normal.
Differences only become a problem if you avoid them. The struggle become negotiating and getting creative with compromising around differences.
5. Sex is deprioritised after a long period of time, if sex isn’t intentionally prioritised, life will get in the way. Relying upon spontaneity is a recipe for a decline in desire and likely resentment.
If you want to have sex yo have to take intentional steps to prioritise it.
6. A lack of sexual understanding about each other Many couples have no clue what their partner likes or don’t like. Maybe they never talked about it or maybe it’s become to scary to address.
If you don’t know how to turn your partner on and you’re unwilling to have the conversation then you will not be having sex.
7. Too busy If you’re too busy for sex there is a problem. Make the time or accept that you will not be having sex. This can’t be a unilateral decision in your relationship. Collaborate, negotiate and schedule sex.