She makes snide remarks and I can’t bear to see her anymore, a Mirror reader writes as agony aunt Coleen Nolan dishes out some advice
Dear Coleen
My mother-in-law drives me insane and constantly makes me feel like her son married beneath him, yet I’m feeling guilty about this because she’s nearly 80.
She’s from a very old and wealthy family and grew up in a huge country house with servants and nannies. She’s never worked and has been on her own since her husband passed away 15 years ago.
We’re from completely different worlds and I think she has a hard time getting her head around why I work full time and why our kids are at the local comp.
I met my husband at uni and we have a great relationship and two wonderful kids. He had a privileged upbringing and went to top public schools but, unlike his mum, he’s very down to earth and has never made me feel less than I am.
However, his mum makes snide remarks about how I run the house, she comments on the kids’ behaviour, blaming “the school”, even though they’re lovely children. It got to the point where I couldn’t stand to be in her company, so now my husband visits her alone.
The kids keep asking questions about why I don’t see her, and I just say I’m busy or it’s good for dad to spend time on his own with her. I know they’ll see through it at some point, though.
Am I a bad person? I just feel she has no respect for me, and I always come away from seeing her feeling angry and bad about myself. Please advise.
Coleen says
Firstly, don’t allow her to make you feel bad about yourself – if you feel good about yourself, that’s what matters.
Look, whatever background you come from, it’s not a given you’re going to get on like a house on fire with your in-laws. These can be tricky relationships to navigate because it’s often a case of two families who have little in common (other than you) coming together.
But also, your mother-in-law’s behaviour is probably less to do with you and more to do with how she’s feeling about herself and her life. Maybe she’s unhappy, lonely, worried about the future and she’s offloading it all on you. Happy people aren’t mean to others.
Have you ever tried telling her how you feel? Maybe going to see her on your own and opening up a conversation could help you to find some common ground and to understand each other better. You never know, she might feel intimidated by you because you’re such a strong, independent, working woman who’s managing to juggle it all.
It’s OK if you need some distance from her occasionally for the sake of your sanity, but don’t let how you feel affect your kids. They deserve to have a good relationship with their grandmother.
