Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan has words of wisdom for a 28-year-old reader who can’t seem to find his confidence
Dear Coleen
I’m a 28-year-old guy and I feel anxious about pretty much everything. I did see a doctor about this a couple of years ago and took medication for a short while, but I didn’t feel it helped.
I still live in with my parents in the house where I grew up, but I have my own space and also a good career that pays pretty well. I like my job and my colleagues, and socialise with them sometimes after work.
However, I find it really hard to open up to people. I worry a lot about what others think of me and it stops me from being able to relax and be myself.
I get so nervous in new situations or talking to people I’ve never met before, which isn’t ideal in a work scenario.
Friends and my parents have told me I need to stop caring about other people’s opinions and just live my life. I’ve recently met a girl I really like, but it’s taken me weeks to get up the courage to tell people we’re dating. I don’t know what it is I’m afraid of – maybe the attention or the scrutiny.
I wish I had more confidence in all areas of my life, but I’m struggling. I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
OK, I’ll let you into a secret – you may think people spend a lot of time thinking about you, but they really don’t. They’re far too busy thinking about themselves!
So, your friends and family are right – it’s a waste of time worrying about what other people think. But I also understand that it’s easier said than done when you’re feeling anxious and overthinking.
If you haven’t tried cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), I’d give it a go because it’s very effective for anxiety. It helps you change the way you think and behave in stressful situations. And ask your GP about a referral to a therapist and group sessions. It might be a wait on the NHS, so you can also find a counsellor via the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk).
While friends and family can be supportive and sympathetic, they don’t have the skills needed to help you manage anxiety. Also, talking to a professional with no agenda is often much easier than confiding in a friend.
It’s encouraging you’ve met a lovely partner – that must have taken some confidence, so feel good about it. Telling people you’re dating is another positive step. Keep going at your own pace.
