Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a 50-year-old woman whose self esteem has been “shattered” after two of her ex-husband’s cheated on her
Dear Coleen
I love reading your column and I’m glad I’ve finally plucked up the courage to write to you about my own problems. I’m desperate for some honest advice to help me get out of the rut I’m in. I’m a 50-year-old single woman, overweight and extremely lonely. I would really like to meet someone special, but I have no self-confidence as I’ve been married twice and both husbands cheated on me.
I’m not yet divorced from my second husband, who cheated on me when I had womb cancer and while I was recovering from a full hysterectomy. I struggle with my weight and hate myself as a result, so my self-esteem is at rock bottom and, if I’m honest, I don’t have a clue how to go about meeting anyone. But I would like to try to find a lovely man to enjoy life with and to grow old with.
I work nights as a care assistant and don’t have much time off, so there isn’t a lot of opportunity for socialising, but I would dearly love to start living my life again after going through such a challenging time. Please can you help?
Coleen says
Here’s the thing, I’ve been in your position with exes in the past and I think it’s important to change your mindset.
The temptation is to think, “He cheated on me because I was ill”, or “He left me because I’m fat”. Well, no, he left because he’s a cheater (and a whole lot of other things I can’t print in a family newspaper!). So, my point is, it’s not always about you. If you’re not getting along on a personal level, that’s different, but when someone cheats, you start coming up with reasons to blame yourself and they come up with excuses to make themselves feel less guilty, so forget about them.
As far as moving on, only you can tackle your health and your weight. Don’t do it to please anyone else, but do it to feel better and to grow your confidence. And when you start to take control and feel better physically, your mood and your outlook will improve, too. In terms of meeting someone, hold your horses! You’re not even divorced yet, so don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
When I split up with my last hubby I was a couple of years older than you are now, but I decided that I wanted to learn to love myself and feel OK with being on my own before considering a new relationship and it made such a difference. When I finally decided I was ready to meet someone, I knew I’d be OK on my own if it didn’t work out, and I was so much more confident.
So, try having a relationship with yourself for a year at least, be kind to yourself, look after your health and when you do meet someone – through a friend or a dating app – you’ll be so much stronger and more confident. Good luck. I’m rooting for you!
