The run up to Christmas is one of the busiest times of year in the dating world, and navigating it can be a real challenge. Thankfully, Mel Schilling, dating expert and star of Married At First Sight, is here to help
Christmas is a time that can be quite intense, for both relationships and family. “It can be a hard time to be single too, going to those parties and lunches as the only one without a partner, facing the inevitable questions from relatives about your love life. It can be a real drain and deflating,” says Mel Schilling, dating expert and star of hit matchmaking series Married At First Sight.
“As a result, Christmas is a time when singles tend to be keen to get out there to date, hoping to find someone. Perhaps not to bring them home for Christmas but just to be able to say to Great Aunt Maud that you’ve been dating.”
But if you think dating is tough, you’re not alone. “It’s harder to date than ever in 2025,” says Mel. “Everything is changing so rapidly. And this is especially hard for those coming out of long term relationships – maybe a marriage – looking to date again.
“The challenge here is human driven – it’s the way our behaviours are changing, and what we’re being taught to tolerate is my concern.”
Indeed, the latest research from Google shows that Brits are presented with two new dating ‘trends’ a month, from ‘icks’ to ‘breadcrumbing’, or ‘ghosting’.
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So how do we know a plum date from a bad apple?
“For singles coming into the Christmas period, full of hope of potentially meeting someone over the festive time, I want you to arm yourself with knowledge. Know the red flags that will help you to avoid heartbreak. Go with an open heart, but also use your head,” says Mel.
Here is what to look out for…
Global vs personal red flags
Global red flags are turn-offs that should be universal to everyone. No matter your age, background, orientation – if these things turn up, it should put you off your date.
Things like glorifying violence, or behaving in a way that is disrespectful to you or to other people. These are types of things which indicate a bad apple.
Personal red flags, however, come back to your own values. If one of your highest values is integrity, and you’re on a date with someone and they lie, or they show inconsistencies and deceit in their stories, then that will be a red flag for you.
Beware ‘ghostlighting’
It’s a mash-up of ghosting and gaslighting. So someone will disappear for a couple or weeks or months, before resurfacing in your life and gaslighting you about the ghosting.
Perhaps they will say: ‘We weren’t dating. I don’t know what you were talking about – that wasn’t a thing’. Or, ‘You’re being overly emotional’. Or even, ‘I told you I was going to disappear for a couple of months – well, now I’m back – you must have forgotten.’
Know about lovebombing
Lovebombing is a manipulative tactic where a person showers another with excessive affection, flattery and gifts to create a sense of intense emotional dependency and control.
A lovebomber can be really hard to see at first. The mission of a lovebomber is to build you up, and then break you down. It feels good, particularly if you’re someone who has been single for a long time or if you’ve been treated poorly.
You feel so grateful to this person for showing you such positive attention.
But the thing about lovebombing is that it’s not about love, it’s all about power. So they get you to the point where you become dependent on this type of affection and attention that they’re showing you. And then they withdraw – and that’s when the manipulation starts, the giving and the taking.
They basically get you to the point where all your self-esteem has gone, you’re completely dependent on them, and their whim, and any crumbs of affection they offer you will take. It’s really destructive.
Look out for someone who moves fast and is all in straight away – showering you with gifts, telling you they love you within weeks, and wanting to move in quickly.
Use AI
Sometimes it can feel a little embarrassing to ask someone else about your date. Saying, ‘I’m dating someone, we went out, and they did this…’ can feel exposing. If you’re a little reluctant to ask a friend, but you’re concerned, why not use Google AI? Ask it questions, you can even do this with your voice on your phone, or upload a photo.
Explain into the AI tool what is happening, ask ‘What does it mean?’ and it will spread out through the internet and bring all the information back to you.
Arm yourself with an extra tool to battle all the incredibly tough dating world out there.
Date with a crew
Whether that’s with one mate, or with several, I am a huge advocate of dating with a crew. Pair up with another single mate and both arrange a date at the same time, but in different places.
Say to your date that you are available between certain times, say 6pm and 8pm, and then say that you have something afterwards. Once your date is done, meet up with your friend for an instant debrief.
Not only is it fun and you can have a giggle, but from a mental health perspective it’s a really smart thing to do. It can really stop that overthinking spiral.
It can help you validate yourself and normalise some of the behaviours that have happened. You can check in with your friend, asking, ‘Does this seem normal?’ and have all those good deeper conversations, rather than go home and start spiralling.
Make a contract with yourself
I’m a huge advocate for making a contract with yourself on what your boundaries are. Perhaps you’re on the second or third date, and you’ve decided you’re not ready to have sex – write a little contract to yourself. Nobody has to see it, it’s totally private.
Write down, ‘These are the things I’m comfortable doing’. You might specifically say what physical acts you’re comfortable doing, and what you’re not. Sign it.
It sounds like a funny thing to do but it can be really powerful, the act of writing it down and signing it. It’s a psychological contract with yourself.
When you’re in the heat of the moment it can be very easy to allow someone to cross your boundaries. There can be a lot of pressure, and hormones are happening in the moment. So what are your sexual boundaries? Now you know. Go to the bathroom and get the contract out of your pocket to have a little look if you feel unsure.
Listen to your gut
How much is normal for someone to call you is a bit like saying how long is a piece of string. I really encourage people to listen to their gut instinct. Keep in mind that old phrase, ‘He’s just not that into you’. It’s been overused and over-popularised, but there’s something in it.
Purely speaking from a behavioural perspective, if someone is into you, they will act on it. If someone is interested in you they will text you back, they will arrange the next date.
We are very good as humans, particularly women, at convincing ourselves that red flags are only pink. We dress them up, put sparkles on them and try to convince ourselves that maybe they’re just really busy at work, maybe something happened in their life and they just can’t get back to me.
The reality is if someone is interested in you they will act on it.
Notice white lies
People use white lies right from the off when it comes to dating, with things like filters on their profile pictures.
Sometimes people arrive on a date to see the person is nothing like they thought they would be. I tend to say there isn’t much of a difference between white lies and the bigger ones. They’re all just lies.
Deceit is deceit. Why go into a relationship that begins with deceit? Start as you mean to go on and look for the little lies. If you want to get into an authentic, deeply connected relationship, begin that way.
Are they bashing their ex?
The line is simple when it comes to the way someone talks about their ex… it’s about respect. The moment they start talking about their ex in a disrespectful way, it’s a red flag to a potential partner.
Because what is that showing? You can talk about the past if it’s relevant, but you need to do it in a way that shows respect, even if they did something wrong. To show maturity is a real green flag.
*Mel Schilling has partnered with Google to show how AI Mode in Google is reenergising Search to help Brits make sense of ever-escalating dating trends.
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