A woman was left with a huge moral dilemma when her best friend’s ex decided that he wanted to go on a date with her – she was interested, but didn’t want to hurt her pal
Whether it’s ‘girl code’ or ‘bro code’ you’re adhering too, the likelihood is that you wouldn’t touch your bestie’s exes with a barge pole out of principle.
However, one woman was so determined to date someone her mate had that she took to Mumsnet to ask whether she was wrong for doing so – and she felt like she had a good justification.
The woman explained: “My close friend and I (We’ll call her Amy) are both single. We have been for a couple years! She is actively and regularly dating. Currently seeing someone now, but these things tend to be short lived. She tends to take an approach of throwing herself into dating, to get to know people. I on the other hand rarely date unless I see something special in a man.
“The man in question (let’s call him Daniel) is on the periphery of our social circles. My friend bonded with him at a party that I couldn’t attend at the beginning of the year. Shortly after the party Daniel went away for a month with work. The company he works for were setting up business abroad. Amy and Daniel would text and call often. Making arrangements to meet when he got back. There was nothing physical between them. But they shared a lot of personal stuff and bonded over similar experiences.”
She explained Amy really liked Daniel and “wanted to see where things could go”, however, Daniel “didn’t want to ruin the friendship” and wasn’t sure he was in the correct headspace to date properly. She explained they stayed “friends”, but Amy was “upset at the time” as she thought they’d “become really close”.
She continued: “I have ran into Daniel a handful of times. Previously I would have just been polite, as an acquaintance, didn’t really know him to spend time chatting. But since the situation with Amy I’ve been friendly with him, as we both have Amy in common. We recently ended up on the same train together for an hour chatting about various topics. I felt that I’d really warmed to him.”
The woman confesssed they’d been messaging over Facebook and it was “nothing major”, but she shared that he’d asked her “out on a date” – putting her in a sticky situation. “I feel like he could be a good match in terms of values and interests, I like his sense of humour and he’s easy to talk to,” she penned.
The woman revealed she thought he was “attractive” and ticked “a lot of boxes”, but that her friend would be “hurt” by the situation, despite the fact she would say it was “fine” to her face. She said she “should reject him” because he “dated” Amy first, but continued: “I feel like Amy will have dated most single men our age in our local area, that I will struggle to find anyone to date who she hasn’t previously dated.”
In the comments, others reassured the woman she hadn’t done anything wrong and should just go for it if that’s what she wants. One wrote: “It’s not as though they were married for ten years. While I’m sure Amy was upset at the time, they weren’t actually in a relationship and whatever they had didn’t continue. It’s not like you turned his head. Realistically he’s going to date somebody sooner or later and she will find out as he’s on the peripheral of the friend group anyway.
“Just approach the object tactfully, but I wouldn’t mention it until you have had a few dates first. It could be that you feel differently in a few weeks time and aren’t interested in him, it vice versa and no reason to rock the boat over nothing.”
Someone else agreed, writing: “Go on the date(s) see if there is something and go from there. Tactfulness is the key, don’t get worked up about it and don’t forget to enjoy yourself.”
However, others had a differing opinion, sharing: “Depends on how much you value your friendship with Amy. I would talk to her about it first and read her reaction rather than just hear her words. If you think she is uncomfortable with it then you’ll need to decide if it’s worth losing your friendship with her over. In my experience, 9 times out of 10 it’s not worth choosing a man over a friend.”
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