Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who is struggling to cope with the recent loss of their mother and says they’re “having a really hard time accepting it”
Dear Coleen
I feel so emotionally and physically low at the moment after losing my mum and can’t see a way out of it. I haven’t been able to sleep for 12 nights in a row. I’m exhausted and worried, and don’t know what’s wrong with me – I’m thinking it’s either PTSD or my anxiety.
On the day my mum died I couldn’t sleep when I went to bed that night and it’s a pattern that’s continued ever since.
What’s very upsetting for me is that I didn’t even get the chance to say my last goodbyes to her because of safeguarding being in place.
I miss her so much it hurts and now she’s gone I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been the same person since losing her and I’ve been comfort eating too.
I know mum’s gone, but I’m having a really hard time accepting it. If there’s anything you can say to help me to feel better and try to move on in some way, I’d be so grateful.
Coleen says
It’s grief and it’s still very raw. This has overtaken your mind and body, and I know it feels awful, especially if it’s the first time you’ve lost someone so close to you. But it’s normal and you have to feel it because it’s part of the healing journey.
Everyone handles grief differently – there’s no right or wrong – but I do think bereavement counselling is beneficial and definitely worth a try. My advice would be to make an appointment to see your doctor in the first instance and explain the situation, as well as the sleep issues you’re having. You can also get support from Cruse, the bereavement charity, by visiting cruse.org.uk or calling the helpline on 0808 808 1677.
You don’t explain the reason for safeguarding being in place, but I totally understand that not being able to say goodbye to your mum is hard.
You can do something to say your own goodbye – go to where she’s buried or to her favourite place or somewhere that was special to both of you.
You can write some words to her, which might also help you by getting how you feel down on paper. It can be cathartic. Also, don’t be afraid to share how you feel with friends and family. Let people know what you need from them.
As far as not sleeping goes, it’s really tough to function when you’re tired all the time. Try some apps – there are some really good ones with sleep stories and guided meditations that you can listen to in bed that distract your mind and help take some of the anxiety out of the situation.
It’s not easy, but I promise you that in time it does get easier to live with.
It doesn’t mean you don’t miss that person or that two years down the line you won’t burst into tears because something reminds you of them.
Just make sure you’re getting the support you need.
