Coleen Nolan advises a reader who has met a great woman, but he’s finding it hard to get on to a deeper level with her
Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s and I’ve met a great woman who ticks all the boxes, but I’m very nervous of getting deep into a relationship with her.
I’ve been married before to a woman I thought was perfect, but as soon as she got the ring on her finger, she changed to the point where I barely recognised her. I suppose I’m worried about the same thing happening again and worry I’m a poor judge of character.
Everyone warned me about my ex at the time, but I couldn’t see it. She was the most fun person I’d ever met and I got swept off my feet. Once we were married, though, she became selfish, flirted with other men in front of me, was rude to my friends and basically bossed me around all the time.
The final straw came when she got drunk at my work event and embarrassed me. I still have nightmares about it now. Needless to say, we didn’t last long.
I want to take things further with this woman I’ve met, but I’m holding back and she can sense it, as she keeps asking if “everything’s OK” with us. What’s your advice?
Coleen says
First of all, you’re nowhere near the stage of thinking about marriage, so stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Look, the good thing about mistakes is that we learn from them and it sounds like this marriage was a mistake for both of you. It’s life and it happens to lots of people.
When you do get more involved with this new woman and she ever asks you if you’d think about marrying again, just be honest about your fears. Being able to open up and show your vulnerable side fosters empathy and, ultimately, builds a stronger relationship. It really is OK to be honest and, in return, I’m sure you’ll get reassurance and understanding too.
Also, maybe you don’t need marriage, but it shouldn’t stop you having wonderful loving relationships. My sister only married her partner recently after 47 years together and they’ve always had a very happy, solid relationship. On the other hand, I’ve been married and divorced twice, and thought both marriages would be forever, but life had different plans. It didn’t make me cynical, though.
Heartbreak can make you cynical, but you have to remember that you did get over your ex and you have met someone lovely, so try and enjoy yourself.
