Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who thinks her headstrong sister is making a big mistake by making a huge commitment with her 62-year-old boyfriend
Dear Coleen
I’m concerned about my sister, who’s 40, and has decided to move in with her “boyfriend”, who is 62. He’s a nice enough man and gets on well with her 10-year-old son, but I’m very worried about the age gap.
She’s young and vibrant and looks at least a decade younger than 40, but her partner is quite old and unadventurous for his age.
I don’t doubt they love each other, but I think my sister’s decision to move in with him might be more to do with finances and security than anything else. And while things are OK now, what’s it going to be like for her in 10 years when he’s 72 and an old man?
She’s not brilliant at making decisions (and often gets it wrong), but she won’t listen to advice. She’s always been very headstrong and just goes her own way, even when everyone else can see disaster further down the line.
I just want her to think carefully about this decision and consider the future, not just the here and now.
What do you think? Should I tell her how I feel? I don’t want to fall out with her over it.
Coleen says
OK, you might not like this, but I think it’s her life and her decision – she’s a grown woman in her 40s.
Also, who knows what’s going to be happening in 10 years’ time? If she’s really happy at this moment in time, I don’t think you should interfere.
Of course we all have opinions when a loved one meets a partner – is it too fast? Are they right for each other? And so on. But you also say her partner is a good guy and gets on with family, which is a big tick, so let them be happy and work it out. Who cares if he’s a bit boring – maybe that’s what she needs right now.
I’ve learned many lessons from the challenges that my own family has faced with cancer and bereavement, the main one being stop worrying about next week, let alone 10 years down the line. There’s a lot to be said for living in the here and now and not overthinking the future.
Also, if ultimately it doesn’t work out for your sister, it doesn’t work out. She still might have a great few years with him.
We’ve talked a lot about age gaps on this page and it is true that a couple can find themselves at very different stages of life and wanting different things, so that’s a risk for both your sister and her partner.
However, these relationships can also work out magnificently well for lots of couples because they find a way to grow together.
And if it does go wrong for your sister, just be there for her if she needs you and try not to say, “I told you so”.
