A divorced woman has appealed for advice after confessing she has ‘fallen’ in love at 60 with a married man she met at university – with her feelings developing after a recent kiss
A 60-year old woman has admitted she’s “fallen in love” with a male friend she’s known for 40 years – and doesn’t know how to handle the awkward situation.
Taking to Mumsnet’s What Would You Do forum, she explained that she met the man in question – who is also 60 – when they were 19-year old university students. She added that despite the “instant chemistry” and “fooling around” in their youth, a romantic relationship never developed and they went on to marry other people.
“We remained good friend and our families often holidayed together and our spouses tolerated our mild flirting,” she went on to confess. “He has always treated me with, love kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, loyalty and extreme generosity. I don’t think we’ve ever had a cross word, yet I could never understand what he saw in me.”
The woman went on to explain that after she divorced, the male friend even went as far as handing her a “very substantial amount of money”. And despite offering to pay him back with interest, he refused.
“Since the divorce I’ve been in therapy and it’s taken years to realise that growing up with a violent alcoholic father left me with very low self esteem which I masked with high achievement,” she added. “I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, depression and anxiety but am also very high functioning and have had a successful career from which I am now winding down.”
She continued to detail her dilemma, adding that her friend has been married for 30 years and is “very proud of remaining faithful”. However, she furthered: “But in the last couple of years he has confided in me that his marriage is in trouble and they are in counselling. He also recently told me that for the entire four years we were at uni he never dated anyone and I was the only woman he kissed. I told him our first kiss was the best kiss of my life, he replied ‘mine too’.”
In a twist of events, the woman said her feelings developed further after the pair kissed “near the spot of their first kiss” at a reunion event, which “opened the floodgates”. Since then she has told him she loved him, but was met his response of admitting “confusion”. She closed: “I don’t want to ruin his marriage but I also don’t want to miss out on the possibility of happiness with someone who I belatedly realise is the love of my life. Should I back off, or go for it?”
Scores of other women were quick to respond, suggesting that she should move on and leave the man to sort his marital problems. “Do not do anything,” one woman advised. “He and his wife are in counselling (or so he says) so leave them to work out their issues. Stop meeting up with him alone and wait to see if they stay together or not. If they separate then take it from there but be aware it could easily all come to nothing.”
A second agreed: “I’d take a step back and let him sort out his marriage issues. I get you want to seize the moment but he’s been married 30 years. Might all be a fantasy and wouldn’t work out anyway.”
“He’s married,” another bluntly said. “I feel for you as I know you can’t help feelings you don’t come off well here and all his lines sounds just like a stereotypical cheater to me. If he wanted you and didn’t want to be with his wife, he would do that. Instead he wants to keep the best of both worlds, his comfortable life and and exciting fling that reminds him of when he was young.”
And a fourth wrote: “You are edging towards an affair and you know it. You want people to say that clearly he has been in love with you all these years and now is your time, that life is short etc. You might not actively want to ‘ruin his marriage’ but if he threw himself at your feet and professed his undying love then you are giving clear indications here that his wife would be the very least of your concerns.
“It seems strangely coincidental that it is only recently he confessed his marriage is in trouble while at the same time telling you he never kissed anyone else while you were at college together. He is looking to you to comfort him during his marital woes, nothing more. If he wanted to be with you he would have declared himself many years ago and not waited til the two of you were in your 60s.”
