Stepping inside Laura Hicklin and Dale Barker’s home, there are clear signs a part of them is missing, with their devastating loss evident through framed photographs of their baby boy.
Adorning the walls and mantlepiece, photographs show little Toby hooked up to hospital monitors. In one corner of the living room proudly stands their unmissable Christmas tree – affectionately named Toby’s Tree – which is still up in April. It has a butterfly and purple theme, the colour of the ‘Butterfly suite’ in Leeds Royal Infirmary, where their son lived for three weeks. At the centre lies a silver decoration, with a bauble hanging just below with a 3D image of Toby.
Sweet messages are hidden between the branches, along with a string of beads that he was given in hospital to mark each achievement, with a final dove motif when doctors thought he would be moved onto the paediatric ward. As Dale is Christmas-mad, the couple, who met in 2020, excitedly put up the tree early on October 12, 2023, so they could concentrate on getting ready to bring home their newborn in the run-up to the holiday.
But tragically, Toby passed away in Dale’s arms on November 13. Whilst he was at the side of his incubator, the dad, who has a six-year-old son from a previous relationship, had to bat off relentless calls from his employer, asking when he would be back, he says.
The day after the parents buried their baby, he claims his work called him to ask about his return – as his statutory two-week parental bereavement leave was over. He later realised that his absence amid the death of his baby had led to him being deemed AWOL and his contract was terminated.
As Toby’s mother, Laura, meanwhile, was able to use her 52 weeks of statutory maternity leave to grieve and heal. Now she and Dale, both 31 from Chesterfield, are now calling for a change in the bereavement law for new dads, who only get two weeks of paternity leave. “It’s disgusting, it’s just so unfair,” Laura told the Mirror.
Dale said: “I’m male, you’re female, that’s it isn’t it? You get the support you need. For me, it’s ‘get over it’ and that’s it. They forget about dads, they’re just left to deal with it.”
Laura, who is mum to an eight-year-old son from a previous relationship, had a normal pregnancy right up until the end. At 36 weeks, they were told Toby had a heart defect and were warned he might not make it. Doctors said he could die within minutes of being born. Knowing their baby might not survive made going into labour traumatising for Laura. She still has flashbacks and panic attacks.
“When we were told he might not make it, we thought they’d made a mistake. It didn’t feel real,” she reflected. “Knowing he might not survive birth was, overwhelming.” They were given the bad news before the weekend, and Toby was born naturally on Tuesday, October 24.
“I was so fearful of it happening because whilst he was inside me, he was safe,” Laura said of her labour. “The feeling of the last push is something I will never, ever forget. Even for you Dale, the fact that his head was coming and we just didn’t know what was going to happen at that point.”
He came out crying and was immediately put on gas and air. After sharing some cuddles, he was moved to the neonatal ward, where he kept on surviving, surprising doctors with his progress.
He was doing well and showed signs of improvement, with doctors believing he could soon be moved onto the pediatric ward, honouring him with his last bead on his ‘encouragement’ chain. Tearing up, Laura explained: “The dove was a symbol he was leaving neonatal and going up to pediatric intensive care.
“It was one step closer to him maybe being able to have the surgery he needed to get better and eventually come home and unfortunately, he never made it.” Toby quickly took a downward turn, and it was time for the family to say goodbye.
“We knew from the start we had to do what was best for Toby,” Dale said. “We had always spoken about it and we couldn’t be selfish, we couldn’t let him suffer and there was nothing else they could do.”
Laura added: “It was heartbreaking, so surreal, it was like a bad dream.” The couple had to do the unimaginable and bury their child on December 5.
Relatives and friends at the funeral left messages for Toby in a guest book, which they keep under the tree. With their children at their respective ex-partner’s homes, Christmas 2023 was meant to be a special time for just the three of them.
Once it was over, they couldn’t bring themselves to take the tree down and were inspired by a prayer tree in their local church, where grieving worshippers write messages to their lost loved ones. It became a focal point in their home, which they turn to for comfort in time of need. At night, purple lights glisten from the tree.
But while they were coming to terms with their sudden and catastrophic loss, Dale says his employer hounded him, demanding to know when he was returning. At points, he felt compelled to put the phone down, aghast at what was being asked of him.
“I hadn’t even buried my son yet and they were ringing me,” Dale said. “I didn’t want to be leaving Laura, she was in a vulnerable state and I worked 12-hour shifts. It was just unfair and wrong of them to do. They had agency staff that could have covered me.
“When they were ringing me at his bedside, I was just gobsmacked. I didn’t know if my son was going to make it and they were asking me when I was coming back, I ended up putting the phone down. It was taking my time away from Toby and Laura, things I shouldn’t have to have dealt with. My main priority should have been Toby but work kept jumping in and asking silly questions. It was a joke.”
When their boy was being treated, hospital staff wrote a letter to Dale’s employers, whom he wishes not to name, explaining the situation, which he forwarded to his managers. He says it put a stop to their calls until the day after the funeral, when he was allegedly uestioned on his whereabouts. When approached by The Mirror, the company said it could not comment on individual cases.
Worried about being able to pay the bills, Dale tried to log onto his HR system to access his payslip, only to find he was locked out. His contract had been terminated in the New Year and they said they had been in touch to inform him, but he claims he didn’t receive any correspondence.
In the end, he was relieved he was let go. “If they could do this to me, what else could they do?” he asked. Laura added: “Any loss is tragic, but to lose a child, it shouldn’t be you burying your child, it should be the other way around.
“I get that they’re doing their job, but until someone is in that exact same situation… Dale could have been ready to top himself. For him to have to go to work, it could have pushed him over the edge, it really could.”
He sought advice through Acas and Citizens Advice, but as Dale hadn’t been at the company for at least two years, there was nothing that could be done. If a child is stillborn after 24 weeks of pregnancy or is classed as neonatal death, the birth mother can get up to 52 weeks of statutory maternity leave or pay. The birth father can get up to two weeks of paternity leave or pay.
Since April 2020, all employed parents whose child dies (under the age of 18), or suffers a stillbirth from 24 weeks of pregnancy, have been entitled to a minimum of two weeks’ paid leave under the Parental Bereavement Leave and Pay Act. But Laura and Dale don’t think this is enough time for new dads, who only get two weeks of paternity leave, compared to mothers who can have almost a year off, to grieve.
Dale started his statutory paternity leave on October 23 and also used annual leave. From November 20 to December 3, he used his bereavement leave and didn’t want to take sick leave, which is less pay.
He managed to claim Universal Credit, but in February picked up part-time work in Wetherspoons. It’s allowing him to keep busy, but some days he finds it a struggle to go in.
“Obviously women give birth and have the bodily changes and the hormones and things like that,” Laura began. “For me, I’ve been suffering with flashbacks and panic attacks. If Dale had been around I don’t think I’d have been able to get myself out of that sense of panic because Dale is my safe space.
“There was a big thing recently about men’s mental health, saying it’s okay for men to cry, it needs to be known that it is okay for men to have feelings as well, and need this extra time.” They had thought about it for a while, and on April 3, set up a change.org petition, endorsed by their local MP Toby Perkins, calling for an extension to parental bereavement law.
“Ideally it [paternity leave] needs to be matched, and if the government can’t match it, it needs to be six months,” Laura asserted. “There is no reason for them not to match it,” Dale added. “Moving forward, the protection will be there for other people.”
“I want lawmakers to put themselves in Dale’s situation, and think about how he would feel,” Laura said. “We’re just little people and they’re the big decision makers, until someone is in that situation, they don’t know. This is not fair, they really need to action change right now. It would be massive.”
Five months on, they say they have ‘good days and bad days’ and have found missing milestones such as Easter difficult. They’ll will take the tree down at some point, but it’s just too raw currently. They’d like to put it back up each year for his birthday.
“People think it’s alright now, but they don’t know what it’s like inside the house when we’re alone,” Dale said. “They see us smiling and laughing. They think it’s back to normal but it’s not.”
Laura added: “People think once the funeral is done, that’s it then.” On their ‘bad days’, they shut their blinds and sit on the sofa under a blanket, closed off from the rest of the world.
The campaign has given them something to focus on and say it goes hand in hand with changing the narrative around men’s mental health. Dale said: “The campaign doesn’t take the pain away but hopefully it turns a bad situation into a positive.
“If something good can come of it, at least then no one has to go through what we went through. They’ll have time to grieve and not feel rushed back to work. Let’s face it, for men under 35, the biggest killer is suicide. They won’t have to be forced into something they’re not ready for.”
According to the stillbirth and neonatal death charity Sands, more than 5,000 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth each year in the UK. Sands’ Chief Executive Clea Harmer said: “Pregnancy and baby loss is one of the most distressing events that anyone can experience. When a baby dies, fathers and partners are often expected to be the ‘strong’ one and take on a supportive role.
“Their own grief can be overlooked, so it’s vital that their emotional needs are also recognised and understood. It’s important not to make assumptions about gender stereotypes, but some men do find that they need different ways to seek support and that’s why Sands has developed tailored bereavement support services for men.
“Baby loss can impact on every aspect of a bereaved parent’s life, and the workplace is no exception. All employers have an obligation to ensure the safety and wellbeing of employees and this responsibility includes the wellbeing of bereaved colleagues. This includes having pregnancy and baby loss policies in place, and training for managers and staff on how to support colleagues returning to work.
“Sands is committed to working with employers to remove barriers for colleagues returning to work following pregnancy or baby loss. Whilst some large employers are now introducing periods of leave for all women who have experienced a miscarriage, and a few include partners, we want all employees, including all partners and those with a surrogate, to be entitled to a minimum two weeks’ leave on full pay.”
Sands is there to support anyone affected by pregnancy loss or the death of a baby, however recently or longer ago, for as long as they need this. The charity offers bereavement in the workplace training for any employer, and this is free for small and medium sized enterprises thanks to government funding.
A Government spokesperson for the Department for Business and Trade said: “Losing a child is incredibly difficult for both parents, which is why we introduced the Parental Bereavement Leave entitling eligible parents to a period of leave and pay. We know good employers will treat their staff who suffer child bereavement with compassion and strongly encourage them to go beyond the statutory minimum when they are able to.”
To read about Laura and Dale’s campaign and to sign the petition, you can head to the website here.
