‘New widower boyfriend has three kids and I’m not sure I can handle it’

Resident agony aunt Coleen has advice for a woman worried about committing to a man who comes with ‘baggage’, including three children whose mother has passed away

Dear Coleen

I’ve been dating my partner for about four months and it’s complicated, as he’s a single dad with three children.

Sadly, his wife died a couple of years ago, so his kids have been through a lot.

I haven’t met them yet and, if I’m honest, although I really like him and think that we could have a future, I know I’d be taking on a lot.

He hasn’t suggested I meet them yet, but he talks about them all the time because they’re obviously a huge part of his life, and it’s clear he adores them and is very protective.

A few of my friends have said they don’t think they’d want to take on someone who has all that baggage and trauma in his past, which isn’t helping.

I’m 32 and he’s 40, so there’s also a bit of an age gap.

On the other side of things, we click, we share the same sense of humour and things are great in the bedroom.

He’s a kind, caring person, which is important to me.

I’m just nervous about where this is going and if I’m up to taking him and his kids on. Any help would be appreciated.

Coleen says

Four months is still early days for the relationship.

At the moment, I think it’s good to enjoy dating until you do get to a stage where it’s obviously more serious and feels like the right time for decisions and meetings. You don’t have to jump into anything – in fact, in this situation, I think it would help to take it slowly.

Step-parenting is a big thing to take on and there’s no denying it’s challenging, but it’s also doable and very rewarding when it works. But it is important to know yourself and what you want.

For example, I know I wouldn’t want to date someone with young kids because I’m 60 with adult children and grandchildren, and feel I’ve moved on from that stage of life.

At your age, you should also think about whether you want your own kids and find out whether he’d want another child. You’re only 32 so, if he’s not keen on having more, that could be a deal breaker for you.

Have a conversation about what your expectations are for the future. Blended families are so common these days and, if you’re dating older people, it’s highly likely they’ll have kids and/or ex-wives.

But it’s good to question it and consider it properly because, if you do take him on, you will be taking on his children, too, and you’ll have to share his time and his love with them.