Rory Mcllroy and Erica Stoll have now announced they’re giving their seven-year marriage another go – mere weeks after announcing their shock divorce.
Fans will likely be thrilled to see the sporty couple, who share three-year-old daughter Poppy, giving things another try, with Rory having confirmed that they ‘have resolved [their] differences’.
As anyone who has ever endured serious marital difficulties will know, healing a fractured bond requires plenty of work from both parties – and merely sweeping issues under the carpet rarely bodes well.
Here, experts speak with the Mirror about the tough journey Rory, 35, and Erica, 36, now face, and how couples can move forward after considering divorce…
Relationship expert Margaret Bankole told the Mirror that couples can absolutely ‘spring back’ after considering divorce, but warned that both spouses need to be willing “to push past the hurt, and pain and constant reminders of the challenges”.
Margaret, who has more than 30 years of experience as a relationship counsellor, advised: “Very often, couples can get entrenched in the idea that the relationship/marriage is not worth working on anymore. It is seemingly beyond repair in their eyes and more progressively in the eyes of family and friends, they should not be putting up with their partner’s shenanigans.
“That is easier said and done. Especially if there was a deep core foundation of love in the beginning. Especially if there is no infidelity but even if there was, if there is deep remorse, and unreservedly a determination to make it work and rebuild trust. Then divorce should be the very last option.”
The couple, who tied the knot in 2017, seem determined to get their relationship back on track. But how should they go about it? One expert says identifying ‘deal breakers’ should be the first step when healing marriage wounds.
Underlying issues and ‘red flags’
The Mirror spoke with Marilyn Devonish, a relationship coach, therapist and agony aunt who was prompted to pursue this line of work after a devastating break-up left her experiencing suicidal thoughts.
According to Marilyn, who has 23 years of experience in her chosen field, couples who reconcile after exploring the idea of divorce will likely only make it if they address the underlying issues that may have been bubbling below the surface of their relationship for some time.
In her own practice, Marilyn endeavours to get to the ‘root cause’ during first sessions with couples experiencing such difficulties. Marilyn explained: “People say, ‘Oh, you know, go on date nights, pay more attention, have a bath together going on. That’s great. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with those things, that’s fantastic. […] But at the heart of it, things are not necessarily going to change. So I will always say, ‘What’s the root cause? What’s at the heart of the split and what is it you need to work on from that perspective?”
One thing Marilyn will always make sure to ask clients considering divorce is whether there were ‘pre-marriage red flags or a series of red flags’ that they perhaps overlooked in the beginning, but which became grating as the years went on. This could range from eating with their mouth open, or being rude when out in public.
Marilyn continued: “If those red flags are what I call deal breakers, it’s probably time to address them now. What can you reasonably expect someone to do to change, and what is so fundamental about them that it is what it is, and you’re either going to take it or leave it?”
‘Inago theory’
The Mirror also spoke with psychotherapist and relationship therapist, Mary Griffin, who works with couples from all walks of life at every step of their relationship. At her West London clinic, More Than Therapy, Mary applies something known as the Inago Theory, which centres around the idea that when looking for a romantic partner, a person is actually searching for somebody who ‘completes’ them – perhaps offering the love and affection they feel they didn’t get in childhood.
Working with this theory, naturally, requires plenty of communication, understanding and mutual reflection – something Mary believes Rory and Erica could well benefit from. Mary revealed: “You almost need to stand back and look at the things that are good, and the things that have not been working, and being able to tell your partner what you need and vice versa. So, you know, getting back on the same page. I would imagine with Rory and his wife, the fame has driven a wedge in the communication.
“Time-poor couples spend much time working and focusing on their careers. They may have forgotten to focus on the relationship. You know, date nights go out the window, even if they were there to start with. Children can drive a wedge in that the talk becomes all about the kids, you know? And if a man is very driven, is the wife feeling like a second party? We need to feel special in a relationship.”
Making time for each other
With this in mind, it will be important for Rory and Erica to spend quality time together, which is easier said than done for busy parents with a young child to care for. One technique Mary often turns to is asking couples to share their top five needs with each other, and think about how these could be met in a way that prioritises each other.
Emphasising that it’s often the ‘little things that build this big picture’, Mary advised couples: “Set aside an hour to go for a walk once a week, check in, you know, see how each other feels. Take the dog, so it’s not quite so odd, or just go and have a coffee. Go out of the house and sit in a cafe and have a chat. Don’t forget to do those things that take you outside of the home where you may have been having rows.”
People in high-profile careers may struggle to get the balance right when it comes to family life. Expressing the importance of having ‘boundaries’ in a marriage, Marilyn said: “Let’s say they make a commitment to spend Tuesday nights together and that works with the schedule in terms of how they tour, etc.
“And it comes to a point where it should be a Tuesday night because none of them are on tour, etc. and then it doesn’t happen. You don’t just kind of ignore it, you say: ‘Oh, let’s reschedule that. Let’s put it back in the schedule to make sure we get that time. We either do another day or our next available day, we honour that time.”
Marilyn went on to recall another couple she’s worked with, where the man worked away a lot. In order to maintain their connection, she advised them to have virtual dinners together over video calls, even clinking glasses to the camera. Although no substitute for the real thing, the online dates brought plenty of fun to the relationship, helping them feel close even when miles apart.
Love language
Whether you’re a high-flying sports star or not, life can get pretty hectic, and it can be easy to neglect each other’s ‘love language’ – ie personal ways of expressing love for each other. With one couple she worked with, Marilyn advised leaving each other little notes in places where they wouldn’t be found straight away – from umbrellas to sock drawers.
She shared: “You a dopamine rush every time you think about it, which is a feel-good factor. And there’s that sense of anticipation every time you open a cupboard, the drawer, or pull an item of clothing out there is the potential that something fabulous is going to happen. And even if it doesn’t, you’ve experienced the neurological rush and the feelgood factor that gets associated with that. So you don’t have to do it every five minutes, but every couple of weeks, every couple of months. But it’s amazing how far that dopamine hit would go. So that would be just a fun thing to play around with.”
Total reset
Although making your way back from a public divorce announcement may seem daunting, Mary has reflected that this could provide the opportunity for a ‘total reset’, remarking that ‘sometimes crisis brings out a catalyst for change’. According to Mary, Rory and Erica now have the chance to recreate their relationship, using the ‘wisdom’ they’ve already gained through their years together.
For couples looking to find their spark again, Mary suggested: “Start feeling those intimate feelings. If your sex life has gone off the boil, start thinking about ‘How can I create that intimacy again? How can I create that feeling of making my partner feel special?’and also seeing how that would look in a rebuild.
“Because what you’re doing is you’re resetting. You’re rebuilding with the wisdom gained from those years together and having a plan of, ‘How do we address the things that we haven’t been doing well? What are the things we do well and what haven’t we been doing well? And how do we reconnect to each other with that understanding?'”
Mary, who notes that couples can go through any number of changes during their time together, added: “It’s about rebuilding trust, because if a partner has been treating you, maybe not with as much attention as you’ve wanted or as much respect. Or even that you feel that they’ve changed dramatically because sometimes, you know, fame can change you, trauma can change you, menopause can change you, and your partner hasn’t gone through the same process, so you may be quite a different person.”
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